Whew! My website just emailed me to tell me that user ejenkins changed her password for my web site.

It just let me in so nothing is completely fucked up yet since it just let me in with the usual password and user name.

I have been thinking a lot about my dead parents. Elizabeth invited Eileen and I to their house for Mother’s Day. During the course of a few days I noticed that Elizabeth and Eileen were evaluating my socialization. Before the weekend was over both Elizabeth and Eileen seemed distraught. Elizabeth: ” You are no longer ‘you.” Later Eileen said that I had behaved like my Dad, insisting on driving home e.g.

I made an appointment to see Fuentes in hopes that she might help us evaluate all the weird parts of my behavior and line them up either to address or not worry so much about. Eileen and I tried to list everything that is bothering I including all symptoms like balance and so on. We had a nice talk. Fuentes helped us prioritize both her concerns and ours.

I think Eileen was reassured by this conversation. The fact that my right leg is bigger than my left alarmed Fuentes. So last night I was on a pad at Holland Hospital Radiology with a tech giving my right leg the treatment. So far that seems to have come out alright. At least the tech evaluating the results did not run screaming “blood clots!” from the room.

Also Doctor Fuentes referred me to a physical therapist and a neurologist. The neurologist is unsurprisingly unable to see me for a while but the physical therapist should be sooner.

What I had in mind was a discussion about how to proceed with all these issues at this time of my life which is what I seem to be getting.

This is disturbing as I am comparing all this stuff to my Mom and Dad who relied heavily on me to guide THEM through their evaluation and treatment.

Elizabeth and Eileen seemed to see me through the lens of the my Dad’s struggles with facing his own illness and death. I think I’m not quite as close to helplessness and demise as he was.

I am thinking a lot about this and still processing. I suppose when I need to I’ll come here and jot down a few thoughts to attempt to get myself clearer on my particular experience as I live through this. The best idea yet was making a list of stuff like the Dupuytren’s contraction, eczema, mild memory loss, hand tremors, brief hallucinations.

I think I am feeling better but it would be reassuring to have a plan. Passing blood in March hit me like a ton of bricks. Fuentes had me take antibiotics and that seemed to help but then I had to face a long recovery from whatever had happened. I believe this is what I am going through now.

I ceased exercising. I am very happy to talk to a physical therapist. I think that will be helpful.

Before signing off let me reassure you, dear reader, that my family is being kept on the page via social media and DMs.

I must say I didn’t realize how much added stress comes from the questions and anxiety (ANXIETY) and love of those around me. Makes sense.

Eileen is doing great otherwise. It’s like Fuentes said: “I always tell people don’t retire. Once you retire you gradually fall apart.” Nice timing. It would have been good to know.

I have decided to minimize driving.

I have been deciding on a daily basis to skip blogging. Instead I have been reading and listening to podcasts and talking to Eileen.

I have managed to finish a few books. In reverse order, I finished Seraph in the Suwanee by Zora Neal Thurston, Markings on the Earth by Karenne Wood, and Obit by Victoria Change.

The Thurston left me puzzled. I was confused at the beginning because the protagonists are white and it was the first of the several of Thurston’s works I had read that had white main characters. I thought this did not bode well as I started it.

Try as I might I could not see where Thurston was going. Most of the black people were people you could understand and might not mind knowing. The whites were more fully developed as characters and one could not always explain them to oneself. By the end I was confused. I don’t think that Seraph in the Suwanee is more a book about race than any other American book. I’m still pondering it.

Karenne Wood’s Markings on Earth was before that. Her poem Spider Dance hit me. The idea of male Spiders dying after mating keeps popping up on my radar lately.

and this one

First Light

by Karenne Wood

At this hour, who could discern where land ends
or water, where creek becomes bay, bay becomes
river and stretches across to a blue verge
of Maryland, all the way black now, invisible.

Through July’s haze, the first light is a brushstroke
of gray seeping in. Ducks totter up the beach,
short bowlegged sailors. Over the water, duck blinds
loom as improbable creatures who graze a pale field.

From the marina around the bend, two crabbers set out.
Their diesel chugs reverberate as prows cut new waves.
Mockingbirds swoop, flash their shoulders like women
advertising summer dresses. Herons cast themselves down.

What matters? At the end, we become what we have
loved, each thing that transfixed us in the rapture
of its moment, its grace of its own making, ours the same.
We grow around the land as it grew around us, and

dawn crosses over us, whether asleep in nests or
berths or in the ground becoming life again. Here is
the moment: here, among herons, ospreys, morning,
river. I believe in this light: it is the light of the world.

From Markings on Earth

, University of Arizona Press.
© 2001 Karenne Wood

Return to the Karenne Wood website

Rhonda gave me this book for Christmas. I’m just finishing it. I was very tickled when there was a poem by Chang in the April 11 issue. I clipped it and stuck it in my copy of this book. She is quite good. Thanks, Rhonda!

Eileen went over to spend some time with a friend, Barb Vincenzi, today. It was supposed to be gardening moment to help her with her garden but it was too snowy. Eileen was the only one who could make it anyway. Barb is finishing up at teaching Nursing at Hope. She has all kinds of things wrong with her. Her daughter lives in Boston so aside from her ex Barb relies on friends to help her get through.

I didn’t make bread yet. We have left over baked goods from yesterday. As well as store bought. Maybe tomorrow.

I have been getting some reading in.

I had another momentary scare this morning. Lately I have been waking with a start only to look in the eyes of someone steadily watching me. This is disconcerting and only lasts a second and has happened to me maybe five times in the last six months. This morning’s apparition looked a bit like Jonathan Fegel. I always thoughts hallucinations moved more and lasted longer. Ah! Old Age.

The Danger More Republicans Should Be Talking About – The Atlantic

Ibram X. Kendri’s latest.

I have had a blog post sitting unfinished on my laptop for four days. It’s nothing more than most of “The Nature of the Fun” by David Foster Wallace (pdf) which I typed in by hand. This essay is from Both Flesh and Not by him. I was talking to Sarah about my blog today and she said she had noticed that I hadn’t put up anything for a few days and I realized that the blog post which mostly a re-typing of “The Nature of the Fun” wasn’t going to cut it so I started over and linked in the essay for anyone that interested.

Rhonda seems to be rare person in my life who also likes David Foster Wallace. It is this lack of response that encourages me to write something else. But it is encouraging that someone I know has read and presumably likes Wallace.

It’s been a weird week. I just jumped in the car and went in search of some Easter chocolate. A local bakery was open for ten more minutes so I sped over there. But no chocolate. I bought some sweet goods, some gluten free. On the way home I noticed that Readers World was open. I stopped but managed not to buy anything. Then I came home even though I realized that Meijer was open and surely have some chocolate.

The chocolate urge is influenced by chatting with Sarah today. I am eating a small gluten free delicious cinnamon bun. And just for good measure drinking another cup of coffee. We will save some of these sweet goods for breakfast tomorrow.

I only have a few pages of Both Flesh and Not by David Foster Wallace left to go. I don’t think I want to write about it today except to say that Wallace is funny. I forgot about his wit which is considerable.

I am figuring out what it’s like to live with so many ghosts. Friends and family members pepper my daily life. Eileen is the only living, breathing person I spend any amount of time with. Fortunately I enjoy her company. The ghosts, meh. Spending so much time with the written page keeps my juices flowing nicely thank you.

I haven’t been playing much keyboard lately. I just laid out some Mendelssohn in hopes that I’ll at least play some of him today.

Getting through Holy Week seems to be more significant than I thought it would. It may be some sort of milestone in my retirement life. I don’t feel any differently towards the whole Christianity thing. It looms in my personality but mostly as a tool to understand my fucked up self or informs my thinking about stuff.

I noticed that my reading is largely poetry and depressing topics like the genocide of the indigenous and the greed that drove the belief that one human could own another. I have several novels going but don’t seem to be picking them up and reading them recently.

Today is Jefferson’s birthday. On the Writer’s Almanac, Keillor went on and on about all the cool stuff Jefferson was into. It was only as an aside that he mentioned he was a slave owner.

Pianist Haskell Small is feeling his way back to music through a one-handed repertoire – The Washington Post

I thought this might be interesting. But Haskell is like so many musicians. Narrow.

Thanks for checking back. I have been doing a lot of reading. I almost missed Palm Sunday but last Saturday I noticed it was almost Easter. This is my first Holy Week not working. It feels like it should be longer than that but it’s not.

I still am very glad to be retired and am even more glad I seem to have survived a kidney infection. I am still recovering I am sure. Having lost some weight has allowed me to be a bit more reckless in my eating. Yesterday morning I made banana bread. The day before I made some veggie chili and had nachos.

I have returned to Alex Ross’s Wagnerism. I am also reading volumes of poetry. I remain skeptical that many people actually read books. But I do. History of our nation continues to interest me. This includes the history of the indigenous people who originally lived here and the people we brought over from Africa.

Finally I have returned to David Foster Wallace. I own many volumes of his that I haven’t read. I have read all of his longer works except The Broom of the System. I think I backed off on his work after reading The Pale King. Both my brother’s distaste for his longer works and Foster’s troubling suicide sort of put me off for a while. But I decided to read a book of his essays, Both Flesh and Not. It’s a romp. I think I’ll write more about it after I finish the book.

I started very slowly back in exercising today. I did everything in my usual routine but starting out with a few repetitions of each exercise. Then I did an entire stretch routine. I can feel it already.

I finished Chronicles from the Land of the Happiest People on Earth by Wole Soyinka. I am almost done with Brunner’s Stand on Zanzibar. These books are similar in that they are both surreal. But Soyinka takes place in the present and Brunner was written in 1968 and also takes place in the present. They’re points of view are diametric in some ways, Soyinka is a bit of a romp. Brunner presents a pretty grim picture with lots of outrageous humor.

Since I am reading all kinds of depressing books about African American history, native American history, Russian history, it’s good to be following these droll stories as well. And this doesn’t even cover all the poetry I am reading.

On the music front I am reading CPE Bach’s Essay on the True Art of Playing Keyboards. I feel like I know him pretty well by now having reading most of a book of his correspondence and a biography of him. I’m also reading Wagnerism by Alex Ross. This is kind of a disagreeable book even though it limits itself to the “ism” in the title. I don’t see how a book about Wagner would not be anything but disagreeable, but that’s me.

I’m still plugging away on Haimo’s Haydn.

So if you ever wonder what you’re going to do in retirement, this is what works for me.

I teach critical race theory in all my classes | GUEST COMMENTARY – Baltimore Sun

How could you not?

High Protein, Low Carb, Healthy, Keto Cereal | Magic Spoon Cereal

Is Old Music Killing New Music? – The Atlantic

I’m not even sure I’m in this article but it’s something to thing about.

Underscores Makes Music About the Anxiety of Being Alive – The Atlantic

More thoughts on this subject.

I’m continuing to mess with my books. As of today I have a shelf and a half of books carefully organized. These are books I am reading or ones I want to keep aware of. I finished Austin Brown’s I’m Still Here today. It was an interesting read. In a way I feel like watching someone learn the hard lessons living in white America are always worth rehearsing. But her insistence on staying reconciled to her church heritage makes me squirm. That’s more about me than her I’m sure.

While I continue to get back to feeling normal, Eileen is experiencing back problems. She thinks it might be from sitting and knitting. She just took a hot shower and is going to do some exercising.

Life goes on and I am grateful.

Eileen is outside raking leaves. I have been straightening my books as well as the usual reading and practicing. I keep playing around with how the books by my chair are organized.

Things are beginning to return to normal whatever that is. I have lost ten pounds easily and my BP is as low as I remember it being. I am going to resume exercising a little at a time. I am extremely grateful that it looks like I’m pulling out of this kidney infection.

I hope that’s what it was.

In the meantime I keep pondering the books I am reading. Many books of poetry on my current list as well as books about African American history and Native people’s history. It is interesting how these two overlap. Organizing the books laying around is an attempt to keep up with stuff. I now have way too many books to be reading at once. Consequently, I finished two today: The Snows of Venice by Ben Lerner and Andre Kluge and a new translation of Rilke’s Duino Elegies.

These are pretty tough going. The first one seems to be co-written in response to a book of poetry by Lerner, The Lichtenberg Figures, which I have read. Rilke’s always fun.

I’m hoping that by organizing my books a bit better I will get to them more often and finish some other books.

I have been concentrating on Chronicles from the Land of the Happiest People on Earth by Wole Soyinka. It’s one of several pieces of fiction I am trying to bring to a close.

Eileen is coming in.

I am feeling much better. My Doctor messaged me about my urine test and apparently that’s okay. I have been reading, practicing, and listening to podcasts, not a bad way to go. It’s kind of rainy today. I’d like to think that I’m over this kidney infection.

At any rate, it looks like more life for Jupe. I continue to be lucky. May this continue.

I am feeling much better. My urine test came out looking good. I am hopeful that Fuentes will not recommend me to a urologist.

So I have lost weight and my BP is down. I have been spending time at the piano as well as reading. I continue to take it easy. My energy is coming back.

Cool.

Today Eileen drove me to the lab to pee in a cup. She waited in the car. When I returned she asked if I had my hearing aides. I sometimes drop them when I have a mask and glasses on. This means I have three things wrapping around my ears and sometimes one of my hearing aids slips off. I had to tell her that I only had my left hearing aid. So we scoured the area. I went back in and talked to the receptionist and back tracked my movements. Uh oh. Nothing. I left them my name and number but was not optimistic I was going to see my right hearing aid again.

I little bit ago I had a call from that receptionist. Someone had turned in my hearing aid.

I knew a Felician nun who always told me that God takes care of fools. This could be the theme of life.

I had an excellent session with Dr. Birky earlier. He is such a good therapist for me.

I won’t hear back from the lab or Dr. Fuentes for a while. I am still shaky and having chills. At this point it’s hard to distinguish between emotional exhaustion and physical symptoms. At any rate I am trying to take it easy.

This is helped by the books Eileen picked up for me from Readers World. Mendelssohn and Emily Dickinson are excellent companions as I rest and the two books I have are extremely readable and engaging.

Margaret Atwood: Your Feelings Are No Excuse – The Atlantic

Atwood received the Christopher Hitchens award last night. This is her acceptance speech.

I drop off pee tomorrow. I don’t know what I hope for except for more life. Fortunately I am not in pain, but I do fear that whatever is wrong with me might eventually kill me. I am shaky this morning. I am gradually returning to my former routine of getting up early. I had been sleeping in but for the last few days I find myself getting up earlier.

I even beat Elizabeth this morning. Sometimes when she and Alex visit she has coffee ready. I like that but she taught her last art class last night so won’t be visiting on a regular basis any more. I know that she didn’t want to continue doing this due to the suffocating Jesus stuff that permeates this area and her fellow teachers. I don’t blame her.

My reading has been teaching me how wide spread the influence of bad Calvinism has been in the history of the country much less this little corner of it. It’s bothersome in that I share Elizabeth’s distaste but it’s kind of cool because I do have an understanding of Christianity and it helps me understand the current crazy world I live in.

David seems furious with me for refusing his calls. For my part it reminds me of Friedman’s rope story. But who knows? We all do the best we can. I will reach out to him eventually but it will involve some discussion of his alcohol addiction which is something we have never talked about. Apparently he doesn’t talk about it with his estranged wife Cynthia either. This seems like it might be part of the denial of addiction but I’m admittedly in over my head.

Tomorrow is my scheduled session with my therapist. I guess we’ll have some shit to talk about, eh?

I don’t let my weakness stop my reading. I have a couple books waiting for me at Readers World. Eileen said she would go pick them up for me today but we’ll see. I could do it myself since I think I could muster the will and strength to do it. But Eileen doesn’t mind.

One new biography each on Felix and Fanny Mendelssohn by R. Larry Todd and a book of Emily Dickson’s poetry “As She Preserved them.” Cool.

It’s a good thing I misunderstood about today’s appointment with Oral Surgeon. I called yesterday to ask if I was supposed to fast for it and found out it was only a consultation. Whew. Eileen and I just got back from it and it looks like we can afford both the surgery and an implant.

I took my last antibiotic last night. But today has a been a stressful day. I was on the phone reassuring my daughter-in-law, Cynthia before lunch and have been receiving phone calls from my alcoholic son, David, who is negotiating my ex-wife’s end of life stuff. He calls and asks for advice and I try to “do no harm.” Consequently I am feeling fatigued physically and emotionally, but at least I didn’t have a tooth extraction today.

I really like my oral surgeon, Dr. Houle, she seems very competent and communicates well.

For some reason I have been spending time with Bach at the piano. 2 and three part inventions and suite movements.

I have found a new podcast, A History of Rock Music in 500 Songs.

I just stumbled across it and listened to the latest episode, “146 “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.” I was charmed by the presenter, Andrew Hickey. I think it’s great that he started this podcast with a pretty thorough history of the the theramin. I skipped to episode 143 “Summer in the City” by The Lovin Spoonful. I learned that John Sebastian has the same name as his Dad and they both are, wait for it, classical harmonica virtuousi.

I did see John Sebastian the Lovin’ Spoonful live once. They opened for the Doors. John Sebastian came back on stage to play harmonic with them and was terrible as I remember it. I thought at the time that he got high between sets. I think that now too having heard some phenomenal stuff on this podcast.

Anyway I’m enjoying Hickey’s podcasts and have been learning a lot about music I like not to mention other stuff.

This evening I take my last antibiotic pill. I think they have definitely helped although my symptoms beyond the initial blood in the urine are kind of nebulous. I am feeling a bit stronger.

I am dreading tomorrow’s oral surgery. I finished filling in the pre op form today. What a stupid thing. I keep thinking the medical field will someday take advantage of the tech available and patients would have a centralized source of information about the health and treatment easily accessible by any health provider. Anyway that’s done.

I finished the book of poetry Rhonda gave me. It’s called imago, Dei and was written by Ellizabeth Johnston Ambrose. It wasn’t too bad. I admit that I understand books by broken Christians. Thanks, Rhonda!

Eileen comes home today. I missed her. She has been texting me and that has helped me keep up a bit with what she’s doing.

I woke up this morning with Lullaby of Birdland by George Shearing rattling around in my head. I immediately put in on my phone to listen to as I did my morning routine. I am feeling better I think. My morale has improved although I don’t like not having Eileen around.

Before too long Paper Moon recorded by Nat King Cole supplanted Birdland in my head so I put it on the phone.

I’m beginning to wonder if my illness is being replaced by sheer laziness.

Sarah and I connected and we had a two hour zoom chat. I hung up and David called to check in with me. He sounded a bit more coherent today.

I heard from Eileen that they were heading for Ann Arbor but that Mark wasn’t feeling well so he and Leigh were skipping the meal. I was hoping that Mark and Leigh, or at least Mark would opt for the opera as well as the meal.

I checked out videos from a previous run in New York and thought the music sounded pretty cool. You can hear it in this video.

Laziness is losing and I need to go do some shit.

I recently figured out that I am attracted to difficult books. Not just difficult ones, but they are a category in my chosen reading and have been for long enough that I should have put this together sooner. Today I had trouble laying my hands on Fugitive Poses by Gerald Vizenor.

Nowhere to be found. Eileen left a while ago to drive to Delton. She will spend a couple nights there and return on Monday. We both thought I should continue to lay low until I heal.

Shortly after she left I found Vizenor. Hurray! I think it and Playing Indian fit the the description of a difficult book. At least they are difficult for me.

I have heard from both my brother (Hi Mark) and son today. Mark was concerned about my fatigue. I guess I haven’t made it clear but everyday I continue to feel like I am recovering from something, I’m not sure what. David called out of the blue. He has been worrying about my ex-wife, his Mom, who apparently is in stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I told him I was ill as well. I can’t truly tell if he’s sober or not on the phone, but at least he’s not so drunk as to be unmistakably so.

A bit later Sarah texted me.

So you can see people are definitely thinking of me.

Eileen has been having trouble getting the gas tank open on the Subaru. So I got dressed today and we went out and messed with it. Problem quickly solved. She had mistaken the hood release for the gas tank release.

Well that’s the update from the sick one. Tune in tomorrow for another episode.

I hope I’m feeling better. It’s difficult to tell. I have a lot of body fatigue. In addition I don’t always have the concentration to read and that’s no fun. Just having Eileen around keeps my spirits up. I started Second Founding by Foner today. I don’t think I have read anything by him but any book about slavery and/or African American usually footnotes him. Second Founding seems to be a good place to start in reading him. It’s short. I will want to read more by him.

Despite feeling like crap I have been getting some reading in. Plus when I get too tired I listen to podcasts or the radio.

I am uneasy about whatever’s wrong with me. I hope I haven’t damaged my body too badly with my drinking. I don’t really know what’s going on. If my urine test comes out good next week, my doctor said she would drop it for a while. If not, it’s on to the urologist. I’m not looking forward to that but I would like to know what exactly is wrong with me. I haven’t exercised since peeing blood. I do plan to get back to it if I can.

I finished Playing Indian by Philip J. Deloria. My new copy came in the mail and I transferred my notes on stickies in the library copy to my personal copy. I will be processing this book for a while.

I am still feeling pretty weak. But I did manage to practice piano a bit as well as played three games of boggle with Eileen. We usually play four. But since feeling ill I have only had the energy to play two in row.

It is difficult to tell if my health is improving at all. I have resolved to baby myself in order to help any healing process going on. I am considering skipping the festivities planned for this weekend and letting Eileen drive over to Delton on Saturday night be herself and coming back on Monday.

After Elizabeth and Alex left, Eileen ran errands. She returned Playing Indian to the library. The Readers World had two of the books I requested sitting on the shelves. So she stopped by and picked those up. She picked up my eczema medicine at Meijer. She dropped off the tax info to the people who do our taxes. She came home a happy camper.

Is Old Music Killing New Music? – The Atlantic

It makes me crazy to read articles about music. The orientation of the author and heck the whole dang business and subject seems so foreign to my own understanding of something I love very much. In the case of this article I have been checking out some the music the author talks about. So far nothing has grabbed me very much.

Underscores Makes Music About the Anxiety of Being Alive – The Atlantic

This was a magazine supplement that came with the Sunday NYT on March 13th. I looked it over today and listened to at least one musician mentioned in it. Same response.