Sarah’s family is preparing for a beach visit. Preparing is often the greater part of time spent on an upcoming event. Eileen made pancakes this morning. Although yesterday was not painful it seems to have drained me physically.

I was imagining a cumbersome piece of rubber that would go round my torso but of course it was all cyber in creation. It took about an hour.

Mark called yesterday. He was just holding back from “bothering us.” I promised to call him more often.

It has really helped having Sarah around. She drove yesterday.

The group has left and it’s strangely quiet. I was not looking forward to their leaving but now I feel deflated.

I had a run in with Alice this morning. She was screaming in the kitchen and had been screaming all morning. I yelled at her a bit irrationally and she screamed even more. I talked to Sarah about it later and she said that it was hard to be rational when a little kid is screaming. I did not feel better about it. Later when they were leaving, Alice turned to me in her silky toddler voice and said “I’ll miss you granpa.”

Sheesh

This afternoon we are on our way to Grand Rapids for my first treatment. I’m expecting them to coat my torso with a rubberized surface and let it sit for about an hour and a half. This will prepare me for five subsequent radiation treatments to eradicate my five cancer spots. I am hopeful I am going to beat this.

I am wondering why Mark and Leigh keeping such a distance from me. I am hoping to see them in the next couple of weeks. I have been enjoying the weather.

I am enjoying having Sarah, Matthew, Lucy, and Alice around.

Sarah, Lucy, Alice, and Eileen are making a quick trip to the Farmers Market.

Interesting article in the New York Times this morning by Susan Glasser and Peter Baker, “Inside the War between Trump and his generals.” I read the New York Times report on it before I bookmarked it.

My daughter Elizabeth has been calling the Grand Rapids clinic where they will do the radiology. She is is trying to get us in for our first appointment at which they will make a mold for my body for the treatment. Lo and be hold, Eileen got through and they have scheduled me for this Wednesday.

I was telling Eileen how I was sort of dreading the whole ordeal but of course am very glad to speed it up. But these are the people who had me pee on myself at the last treatment. I was very unimpressed with that even though the only harm was done to my dignity.

I will call the therapy center tomorrow and cancel Wednesday’s sessions.

My daughter doesn’t have a working phone for her significant other to carry when she stays at the house. It only works on the internet.

State Legislatures Are Torching Democracy – I heard this disturbing report from the New Yorker in the middle of the night

An Ordinary Morning by Joy Harjo

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Libby my speech therapist is encouraging me to blog. I’m afraid this makes me reluctant to do so. (Hi Libby!) Eileen thinks this is my dead father’s influence. God knows he could be stubborn about stuff like that.

Sarah and her group are preparing to visit Elizabeth for the day. I’m relieved that I don’t have to go.

I am feeling better. I’m not doing my daily exercises but I am walking after each meal. I have not slipped into a retirement routine yet. My New York Times has started coming everyday. This is a pleasure for me. I’m looking forward to spending the day with Eileen.

I am definitely not functioning well. I accidently sent Cynthia’s gift card to her brother’s address. I am reading a bit more. I am reading the daily New York Times from start to finish. I started a new Le Guin Novel, Five Ways to Forgiveness.

I think Mark gave me a two box Library of America set by Ursula K. Le Guin. There is a wonderful quote from another of my favorite writers on it: “Genre cannot contain Ursula Le Guin: she is a genre in herself.” Zadie Smith

I’m almost done with Lipore’s The Secret History of Wonder Woman. I think I’m a bit disappointed in the extreme detail Lipore goes into about the people who invented Wonder Woman because she was more of a by product of their life styles and it takes Lipore forever to get to the actual comix.

I am reading my son-in-law Jeremy’s copy. I will see him soon, so I better finish this soon.

On the way home from the physical and speech therapist I had a phone call. It was from my dermatologist’s intern. I thought that was odd since Eileen is fielding all my medical calls. The guy was barely coherent. I had Eileen call him after we got home.

It turns out one of the spots on my neck was malignant. They will remove it next Tuesday.

Thank goodness for Eileen who seems to speak the lingo.

We just got back from adventures. Elizabeth came over and chauferred us which was nice. Then we went to the doctor. I like Dr. Batts. He talked us through all three of my cancer spots. They are all the same cancer I had before. He had a plan for attacking them: radiation. He was very hopeful that this had a good chance of eradicating the cancer entirely. We decided to celebrate with El Rancho on the way home.

Dr. Batts also was kind enough to recommend Covid booster shots to Eileen and me. He seemed very happy that I had a chance to beat this cancer. Now I have to go rest.

I woke up this morning and the rain was beating down. I got dressed and went outside. The rain was slowing down. I spotted two plastic bags and thought for a moment that the New York Times had delivered a paper.

What day was it? But it turned out to be Sunday.

Eileen bought me three new pairs of shoes. Yesterday I with Eileen’s help tried to walk around the block using one pair. That turned out to be a bad idea. I began shuffling my feet much to Eileen’s disgust. I decided to try my Keezix. I purchased them because they are so easy to slip on.

The shoes are much lighter. They felt great. So Eileen and I went for a walk even though the rain was pouring down. As usual I over did it. I suggested we walk to Eileen’s garden. My feet felt great but on the walk home I started hurting.

Mark called. We had a nice chat. I promised I would let everyone know if I also have stomach cancer.

I have been seeing the New York Times daily. Eileen has been picking it up in person at Reader’ s World. My friend and former choir member, Janet Bowermaster, dropped by for a visit and boy was that refreshing. Eileen arranged for her visit.

We are going through a heat spell. So it was a good to sit here in the AC and chat.

My therapists continue to encourage me to pick up blogging.

I finished the book of poetry that Rhonda gave me catalog of unabashed gratitude by ross gay before she stopped by. Thank you Rhonda, I like gay’s work but he’s a little gushy for me. It was great to see you and Isaak the other day!

Eileen was very incensed that I didn’t receive a paper yesterday. I didn’t pay close attention but she described it for me and left me the phone number to call today when it didn’t arrive today. I dutiful did so.

I had a nice unproductive chat with a NYT person. Still no paper. I am wondering if I am going to be able to get a daily NYT. I’ll keep you informed, dear reader.

Eileen worked in the garden. When she returned we took a shower together. Very pleasant. After chatting with her I discovered I had my weeks confused and I DONT have meetings tomorrow. I put some Couperin on the record player. I do love Couperin. Before that I played Couperin on the piano. And there’s something clear about listening to old records.

Playing keyboard is so different than mental health people seem to visualize as helpful, emphasis on enjoyment. Eileen is roasting veggies from her garden. Smells great.

Eileen walked down to her rented garden in sweltering heat and weeded yesterday before lunch. The last two days I have laid out some lunch for us. I think that helps Eileen. She has made a fuss over being served. I will try to make a habit of preparing lunch

I have been getting up and doing half my exercises before Eileen gets up.

My daily NYT begins delivery tomorrow or the next day. That will certainly brighten things up if I can get that going.

I have my last meeting with my speech therapist today. I think that’s the last of my meetings with therapists. It is amazing that my health care provides for meetings with these people. They have been more helpful than not. The worse part is sitting and waiting for them when they are late. But they have been helpful and taught me things.

My Dad hated hated his Father’s cancer, I gathered from listening to him talk to his small East Tennessee congregation. This is a memory so it has an unreliable element to it. I seem to remember more than one sermon about it but for some reason I think they were weeknight services with Dad running the overhead slide projector.

It’s an association more than anything.

I vaguely remember Ben (my grandfather) picking up sticks and moving nearer Paul. This may have been something I put together much later.

Lines of poems rattle around in my head as I process facing death. This one is from a poem by e e cummings called “Buffalo Bill.” I can’t find it in Poems 1923-1954. But it comes up quickly enough on a google search. I find that cummings lines have a beauty that fits my mood

I emailed my therapist and resigned therapy. I wanted to continue but my energy is so unpredictable. I switched my NYT subscription to everyday home delivery You were right Elizabeth. I look forward to that. Zingerman’s has a sale so I’m working on that plus I have to order some birthday gifts for upcoming birthdays.

I don’t think cancer kills you very quickly so there’s that.

Other than these morbid thoughts, I am feeling quite well. Eileen is bearing up quite well and is continuing to be an unsurprising source of strength. Speaking of strength, I am feeling stronger but am suspicious of mistaking mood for improvement.

When I told Eileen I wasn’t going with her to the Farmer’s Market, this morning she suggested I blog. I had already thought of that.

So Dr. Batts, my oncologist told me that the biopsy from my lung showed the same cancer that had showed up from my previous bout last time, I said ‘darn. It was clever of him to go looking for it.

Eileen and I will fight this cancer again. She pointed out that I beat this cancer once maybe we can do so again.

I am afraid that exercise is high on the prescribed activities.

On the other hand, I am feeling a bit more energy which I attribute to a recent increase in physical exercise.

I am having a fantasy of having the NYT delivered to the house but even with the cancer it feels indulgent. But I’m still pondering this move. We haven’t had much luck with Sundays only.

As you can imagine I am still reeling from the cancer news.

Thank you johnny, cindy, elizabeth and rhonda! It’s nice to know people are thinking of me!

Plus, there is a steady stream of helpers. Right now I’m waiting for Paul the physical therapist. After he comes, then Erin occupational therapist is coming. She has assigned me to make a meal in front of her today. I have decided to make grilled corn and avocados salad with feta dressing link

Paul has come and gone. .

I’m thinking I should take out Mann’s Magic Mountain and do some reading in it since I am doing some serious convalascence. Medical workers assure me I willl recover from this stroke. I have been glum with regard to not dying from the next medical event. I was not very self aware during the stroke.

Michelle my physical therapist recommended journaling around my daily experience of this disease. Bethany recommended strategizing against forgetfulness. This has been very helpful. I got up this morning ready to do some walking. Eileen walked me to the corner which exhausted me.

Eileen called up my doctor and gave her lovely hell about not getting an update on my MRI of my leg for so long. It has been a month since this test. I think it probably made Eileen feel a little better to make this call. I am continuing to feel a tiny bit better every day.

Eileen had a call from a friend (Barb Vincensi) and went over to spend some time with her. Eileen is taking care of us invalids.

Whew! My website just emailed me to tell me that user ejenkins changed her password for my web site.

It just let me in so nothing is completely fucked up yet since it just let me in with the usual password and user name.

I have been thinking a lot about my dead parents. Elizabeth invited Eileen and I to their house for Mother’s Day. During the course of a few days I noticed that Elizabeth and Eileen were evaluating my socialization. Before the weekend was over both Elizabeth and Eileen seemed distraught. Elizabeth: ” You are no longer ‘you.” Later Eileen said that I had behaved like my Dad, insisting on driving home e.g.

I made an appointment to see Fuentes in hopes that she might help us evaluate all the weird parts of my behavior and line them up either to address or not worry so much about. Eileen and I tried to list everything that is bothering I including all symptoms like balance and so on. We had a nice talk. Fuentes helped us prioritize both her concerns and ours.

I think Eileen was reassured by this conversation. The fact that my right leg is bigger than my left alarmed Fuentes. So last night I was on a pad at Holland Hospital Radiology with a tech giving my right leg the treatment. So far that seems to have come out alright. At least the tech evaluating the results did not run screaming “blood clots!” from the room.

Also Doctor Fuentes referred me to a physical therapist and a neurologist. The neurologist is unsurprisingly unable to see me for a while but the physical therapist should be sooner.

What I had in mind was a discussion about how to proceed with all these issues at this time of my life which is what I seem to be getting.

This is disturbing as I am comparing all this stuff to my Mom and Dad who relied heavily on me to guide THEM through their evaluation and treatment.

Elizabeth and Eileen seemed to see me through the lens of the my Dad’s struggles with facing his own illness and death. I think I’m not quite as close to helplessness and demise as he was.

I am thinking a lot about this and still processing. I suppose when I need to I’ll come here and jot down a few thoughts to attempt to get myself clearer on my particular experience as I live through this. The best idea yet was making a list of stuff like the Dupuytren’s contraction, eczema, mild memory loss, hand tremors, brief hallucinations.

I think I am feeling better but it would be reassuring to have a plan. Passing blood in March hit me like a ton of bricks. Fuentes had me take antibiotics and that seemed to help but then I had to face a long recovery from whatever had happened. I believe this is what I am going through now.

I ceased exercising. I am very happy to talk to a physical therapist. I think that will be helpful.

Before signing off let me reassure you, dear reader, that my family is being kept on the page via social media and DMs.

I must say I didn’t realize how much added stress comes from the questions and anxiety (ANXIETY) and love of those around me. Makes sense.

Eileen is doing great otherwise. It’s like Fuentes said: “I always tell people don’t retire. Once you retire you gradually fall apart.” Nice timing. It would have been good to know.

I have decided to minimize driving.